Sorry Again, About Not Writing.

I'm in a horrible mood today, and the main reason I'm writing is to let some of it out.

Let's start with last night. I had two - obsessive - dreams revolving around Christofer Drew Ingle. Freaky, right? Don't expect that from a teenage girl... Anyway, the first started right after I fell asleep. I don't remember how it began, but I do remember being in a school cafeteria. The only thing odd was that my hair was long and black - like I said I wanted it to be - and that the table I was walking towards seated a celebrity. I sat right beside Christofer and made a ton of small talk that I don't remember, but the entire situation felt awkward. I only remember saying, 'I came here to interview you, but you're a little too cool for that.' As occupancy in the cafeteria died down, I said: "Maybe I can sit next to you next lunch hour..." Which was dismissed by everyone else. In sudden embarrassment, I ran to the bathroom.

This was when freaky shit went down. I was crying, when my hair started dripping. It was wet, when I hadn't showered, or anything. It started to produce words. I don't remember what exactly they said, but they terrified me. I stared into the mirror, panicking. I kept ripping and ripping the words out of my hair, hoping to eliminate the voices I was starting to hear. When I made my exit, the words were gone. So was my hair. As I left, I kept thinking I wonder how he'll feel about that now.

The next dream kicked off after a little twisting and turning. I was in the backroom of my house, on the computer. (Ooh, betcha didn't see that coming.) I was googling stuff like Facebook, Twitter, Crysandrea Online, ect. When I heard talking on the deck. Out of curiosity I looked out the window implanted into the door. It was sunny, my father was working a rake in the garden. No plants were grown yet. I continued to stare out, but this time turned my glance further to the left. My mom was sitting at a cheap metal table, with a cheap metal umbrella. What caught my eye was that she was chatting with Christofer. And they were drinking pink martinis. And he was only seventeen. And... She was talking about me.

I sat back down at the computer, trying to ignore the occasional chatter that I could hear.Apparently it worked, because I don't remember shit. I only remember once, my mom saying "She's a size B," and Christofer replying slightly less interested, "That's nice." I brought out more martinis for them, and went back inside. Still avoiding everyone, even my idol. Eventually, he left. I had the feeling he wouldn't be back After a brief conversation with my mother, she told me I was too young to date. I felt horrible. The dream ended.

Now I can say why I'm in such a bad mood - I fainted when I tried standing this morning. I'm guessing it's because of my dehydration or more weight loss.I'm down to 110 pounds, and standing alone has become a huge struggle. Yet I'm still not happy. Why can't I just be happy with myself? This leads me to wonder why Christofer Drew is my idol. He's happy a lot of the time. I'm miserable all the time. Life is so short and I can't find one reason why it's even worth living.

Anyway, about my fall. Scrapped up my chin really bad. Yelled at Haley (my neice) some for questioning me. Yelled at my mom. Closed myself in the backroom, started writing about it.

I've decided to become a bit more dedicated to this blog, so I'll try to write a little more. I've got a lot of stuff to do right now though, so maybe I'll catch up a little later. Bye.