It's all flooding back now...

I came across a forum topic on the site Pretty Thin today. It made me think back to when I first got the sense that I wasn't good enough. It started long ago, back in elementary school. Due to my shitty memory, I'm going to write this in a story telling fashion. Prepare yourselves for a mini novel.

I stared out the window. Kindergarten. The room's atmosphere was light but stuffy, and shining rays of sun consistently glineted in the corner of my eyes. There was a dark carpet that kept scratching at my thighs as my class and I sat in front of the teacher. Her name was Ms. Medrich. She was always a nice woman, plump, with messy brown hair and a knit sweater. It was storytime; Everyone was hudled closely together around the red bean bag chair that we were only allowed to yearn for. A few children idled in the farther edges of the back of the room. This happened occasionally, and it always led to Ms. Medrich calling those students lazy and telling them to come closer.
This is just what happened. Numerous kids that were viewed as popular joined us in the half circle around the bean bag chair. The two girls who were best friends and nothing alike (Gabrielle and Taylor), the black kid who always held grudges against anyone who stole the ball in a basketball game (Jamal), and the kid who nobody talked to for picking his nose (Robby). Jamal attempted to get a better seat by stepping over me. He'd stepped right on top of my knee and hand, simotaneously. He glared at me.
"Move it! You're so fat..." He'd said the last part quietly. No one had heard. Except me.

A line, arranged by height. Me in my ugly twilight shirt and shredded up skinny jeans that weren't in fashion yet. Fifth Grade. The same stuffy room. The same atmosphere of self conciousness and discomfort. I was standing beside my old friend, Shelbey. She was pretty at the time, inside and out. I zoned in on the blue carpet, lost in thought. A boy named Matt looked over at me. I used to have a crush on him, and now, all I could think was 'I bet he thinks I'm ugly.'
Later that day, I entered my house. Reaching into the freezer, I grabbed the entire bag of frozen chicken nuggets and sat down to wait for them to cook. My parents looked at me, and jokingly said "You're getting a little chubby, punky-pies," and "You're gonna look like a balloon." They had no clue how much it effected me.

Sixth grade. I was lazing around on the couch, patiently waiting once more for the oven to finish cooking. This time, it was a pizza. I ate the entire thing. I then went to the bathroom, dead-set on purging, only to find myself too weak. I sat crying on the toilet.

Seventh grade. Locker rooms. Pretty girls. Ugly me.

Eighth grade. The year other people really started to criticize me. More specifically, Miranda Marshall-Faulkner. I'm not one to point fingers, but this was a huge role in my eating disorder. She used to say I was fat. All of the time. It's only damned fair that she feels self concious around me now! She deserves it! ...And... that's the vengeful bitch in me talking. Nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves Ana. Anyway, back to the 'story.'
It was Tech. Seventh hour. A girl named Lizzie Schad started talking to me in her 'hipster' way, obviously putting on some kind of fake, annoying personality to fit in. I don't remember much, but from what I do, weight had come up as a topic. She'd mumbled after we were done talking: "But I weigh less than you..." And let's be honest. Lizzie was pretty fucking chubby.
As Miranda and I walked up the stairs exiting the class and moving to next hour, we spoke about the dance coming up. It was a formal dance, I believe. I was talking about where I was going to get my dress.
Miranda spoke. "So you're borrowing a dress from Alex (Notbusch)?" She stared at me, turning her head crooked. She gave me a 'Seriously?' expression.
I felt uncomfortable, so I lied. "Nah. I'm borrowing one from her sister."
"You're not going to fit into her size."
I felt even worse, so I lied even more. "Dude, I'm like two sizes smaller than her."
"I don't believe that."

And that was it. The last straw. The thing that put me over the edge. Thinking back now, I... I don't even know.